Monday, March 29, 2010
I am so glad that I can share this exciting piece of news with everyone. These past three months, have been a filled with LOTS of different emotions. The day I found out I was pregnant was bitter sweet. I was excited but yet very scared all at the same time. The feeling resembled times when you can't tell if you are hungry or if you are going to throw up. I know, gross, but it is the best way I can describe how I felt.
Telling family and friends this time has been interesting as well. I got lots of, "I am happy just feeling a bit cautious about getting too excited." Those were my sentiments exactly. For the first couple of weeks, my mind was full of fear at every twinge of pain.. just waiting for something to go wrong. My dreams were crazy and full of conversations of me trying to convince people that I was actually pregnant. A dream that haunted me for about a month took place in the room where we found out our first baby had died... I was pleading with the ultrasound tech to keep searching for the heartbeat, but she never could find one. My dreams would never finish and I would be left to wake up, completely frustrated.
I cannot tell you how tired I became of this fear that lurked in the shadows around me. I didn't let anyone know how scared I was, I just bottled it up and tried to remain strong for Andrew and our family. So I went into a "if I don't think or pray about it and pretend that I am not pregnant, then maybe when something does go wrong it will be less painful" mode. This didn't prove to be very successful as well. Trying to take God's will for our lives into our own hands NEVER proves to be successful. It was hard to pray for my baby because when I pray for him/her it showed God how much I loved this little baby and how scared I was that something was going to happen. Of course, God already knew this, but it was still so hard to pray! Saying it out loud made it real. God kept whispering to me... "just surrender, relax, and trust me." GRRRRR!!! I am born to be dramatic, not to remind myself to take a chill-pill when I am feeling a little worried.
A couple weeks later, it finally came time for my first doctor's appointment. My heart was full of pain from my first pregnancy that I had to give to God before I went in to have my ultrasound. I literally had to pray, "God help me get through this". I didn't think that I could bare that kind of devastation again or see my sweet husband feel so wounded as well. When the nurse called my name, I felt like a statue. I almost asked Andrew to carry me into the room. Getting ready for the ultrasound I felt that familiar basketball sized lump slither up my throat until I felt like I couldn't breathe.
Surrender, relax, and trust me.
Last summer I took the Beth Moore bible study "Esther". There was one lesson that has stuck in my brain and has kept my perspective and that basketball sized throat lump where it needs to be. Beth talked about the aftermath of tragedy. What happens after your worst fear has happened? What happens after you grieve? Put your tragedy in the first blank and then end it with... Then God. If you lose your baby, Then GOD. If you lose your job, Then GOD. If you get cancer, Then GOD.
Going into that ultrasound all I could think was... Then GOD!!! Because no matter what, he would always be the end result for me. No matter how much this was going to hurt or be the most joyful thing I could ever experience... my life's sentence would end with Then GOD.
So, I am here to shout from the rooftops that our baby is alive, strong, and healthy. The ultrasound was amazing and furthermore comforting. This morning Andrew and I went in for our monthly visit and we heard our baby's fast little heart beat. 170 bpm. And what a mover and a shaker he/she is!! The nurse was having to chase our baby all of over the place to have us hear the heartbeat :) If the wive tales are correct, we are having a girl. But don't buy us any pink yet... Andrew is convinced that it is a boy.
The peace that God has given me is unexplainable and truly remarkable. We are taking one day at a time and remembering that whatever happens to our little family we should always say "then GOD".
Thank you all for your love and prayers. We appreciate it more then you will ever know.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
5:00 am - Andrew's alarm went off.... 10 times.
5:10 am - Andrew got up, took the dog out, packed his bags for a work trip, and woke me up to say goodbye.
5:45 am - Before leaving Andrew gated our feisty puppy into the kitchen.
6:00 am - Andrew leaves and my alarm goes off.
6:20 am - After hitting snooze 5 times I decided to get up.
6:21 am - I heard a loud thud downstairs in the kitchen. It didn't cross my mind twice because I am used to hearing loud noises from the small terrorist that lives down stairs due to the fact that she cannot stop herself on the wood floors and eventually smacks into the walls or chairs when she is running around our kitchen table like a maniac.
7:00 am - Walking down the stairs to eat breakfast and to fix my lunch, I hear Ginger's tail thudding against the gate as she hears me coming.
7: 01 am - I turn to see a winter wonderland in my kitchen...
And this is partially cleaned up! I decided to take a picture mid-cleanup.
My dear friend Megan came to visit me a couple of weeks ago and we had the best time in the world.
We have not seen each other since my wedding, a little over a year ago, and it was soo good to catch up face to face.
Megan isn't the type that likes to be front and center... in fact I scared her half to death the first time I met her due to my whip-lash-like enthusiasm. She and I became best friends during our first year in college at the University of Mary Hardin Baylor in Texas. She was a nursing student and I was a music education student. Things certainly changed as we moved, changed majors, made new friends, and FINALLY graduated college. I am so proud of her for all that she has accomplished in the past 5 years of her life. She is probably blushing at this point... but I don't care... she deserves to be bragged on!
As we painted pottery (which is my new favorite thing to do now) we talked, as best friends do, about the struggles and the happy times, the mountains and the valleys, in our lives. She was there for me when I was in the depths of post-partum depression and still continues to be here for me to this day.
God-filled friends like Megan are priceless. Tomorrow is Megan's birthday!! So join me in wishing a VERY special person a happy birthday.
Happy Birthday Megs