Thursday, September 30, 2010

One year later...

This morning I woke up feeling very joyful.  The windows were open and I could hear the leaves falling down outside.  I could hear Andrew filling Ginger's food bowl downstairs.  I waited to hear her fast little paws across the wooden floor as an indicator that Andrew was on the move.  She has officially landed the role as "Andrew's shadow".

Trying to get out of bed is an entire topic of conversation in itself... but lets just say that I couldn't quite muster up the strength to wiggle my way sideways safely out of the bed toward my little red bible laying on the computer table.  So I grabbed my phone and started searching.  Technology is great, especially when you can't get out of bed!  I have an iPhone application that is titled "The Bible" (aka... for the everyday slacker/big pregnant woman who can't get out of bed).

This application gave me several choices in scripture... Galatians, 1 Kings, Ezekiel, and Psalms.  Off to Psalms I went.  As my phone did all the work for me, I thought about what this day, September the 30th, meant to me.  Lots of emotions filled my head and heart as I thought back over how I felt a year ago.  A year ago yesterday, Andrew and I sat in the dark ultrasound room as the sweet nurse told us that she couldn't find a heartbeat.  My heart dropped.  Trying to hold back the tears... I felt like my world was crashing down around me.

And today, waking up to the crisp clean air with a healthy full-term baby inside of me... I felt one same emotion that I did last year on this exact day.  Hope.  The God who welcomed my baby into heaven last year, now has placed Selah Grace inside my womb to glorify his kingdom.  Both of my babies have a very direct and clear purpose in this world.  To glorify God.  I have hope that the baby that I lost will bring glory to God and I have hope that Selah Grace will bring glory to God.  I have hope that God knows what he is doing. 

And there it was.... Psalm 81: 6-7
He says, "I removed the burden from their shoulders; their hands were set free from the basket. In your distress you called and I rescued you, I answered you out of a thundercloud; I tested you at the waters of Meribah. Selah.

This morning God reminded me that his ways are bigger than mine and that everything that happens will bring him glory.  He heard my cry of distress, he answered me, he tested me, he removed my burden, and he gave me Selah. 

What a sweet and beautiful picture of God's grace in mine and Andrew's life.  I can't wait to see how God is going to use Selah Grace to glorify himself.

Last year, my tears were full of pain and heartbreak.  And this year my tears are filled with joy and a little bit of understanding.  God can and will heal your hurt.  Will you let him?

Related post: "Prince of Peace"

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Have mercy on me full moon!

Bad news - Yes, I am still pregnant.
Good news - My doctor is going to induce me if I have not already gone into REAL AND TRUE labor on October the 11th!  That seems like a long ways off.. even though it is only 2.5 weeks. 

I think what has made the last two months a bit challenging (besides the fact that I have no more skin left on my body from all the scratching & itching) has been the reality that 4 WEEKS ago my doctor looked at me and said, "She could come any day now!"  That is what did me in.

I'll never forget the panic attack I had on the bathroom floor a year ago in our tiny apartment when what was intended to be a joke (click here to read about it) ended up with me on the floor, hyperventilating, when I saw that little pink plus sign show up on 8 different pregnancy tests. August the 27th, 2009 is a day I will never forget.  I couldn't see how God was going to work out this whole "pregnant" thing.  September the 30th, 2009 is a day I will never forget either.  I couldn't see my life without the baby I lost that day.

And here we are, September the 23rd, 2010 and I am trying everything I can to make this baby come!  I have power walked, eaten an entire pineapple (heard that it induces labor), inhaled spicy food, etc.... the list goes on and on. I have even been relying on tonight, because it is an official - 100% - full moon.

Last night while eating dinner and looking at the HUGE 98% full moon outside, Andrew asked me why I was going so crazy about getting her here.  My answer was plain and simple.  Because, I have been waiting for OVER A YEAR for her.  To see her.  To hold her. To touch her.  To smell her.  To watch her discover what it feels like to breath and cry. 

By the time a woman starts to really feel pregnant mentally, emotionally, and physically they are usually a couple of months into the pregnancy already.  So by that time, they only have about 7 more months to go.  I have been experiencing that feeling for about 13 months!  I am ready.  My body didn't even have time to get back to normal after my miscarriage before I found out that I was pregnant again.  So, to all of you out there that are looking at me power walking around my neighborhood like a mad woman.. I am not crazy.  Just really ready to meet my baby.  Don't judge :)

So as we were wrapping up our night, I looked at Andrew and asked, "Will you squeeze me really hard and break my water?" 

All he could do was look at me, laugh, and say, "Two more weeks, just two more weeks..."

Monday, September 20, 2010

Gift Ideas!

Even though it is currently 92 degrees outside, the holidays are right around the corner!! 

My heart begins to flutter when I think about all the Christmas and Thanksgiving festivities that are quickly approaching!  SO... I thought I would share my secret for where I get all of my great gifts.

My MOM! She is super talented and has a whole lot of time on her hands.  I made a website for her (click here).  So go and check it out!

I think that any one would be crazy not to be in love with her stuff!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Meeting for the first time.

The other day, after my doctor's appointment, Andrew and I looked at each other with the same realization, "we are about to have a newborn!"

Yes, we have known this was going to happen for a while.  But there is something about the time drawing near that causes your brain to freak out and light bulbs start turning on. 

Andrew and I have been preparing for Selah Grace's arrival for the past 9 months, but now we are on the turbo setting.  When Ginger goes to play-bite our hands we have been saying, "No! You cannot keep this up when Selah gets here."

Andrew in particular has been wondering how the two will act around each other.  Will Ginger be protective of Selah? Or jealous?  As it stands now, Ginger is the only woman for Andrew and she let's me know it every hour of the day. :)

How is she going to act when there is a new squawking addition to the household?  They even addressed this subject in birthing class.  On our way home from our last birthing class, Andrew began to talk about what he thinks will happen when the two meet for the very first time.

Once we got home and let Ginger out of her kennel, Andrew went in the kitchen to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Then, Another light bulb went off. 

"I've got it!!"  He came swinging around the corner into the living room with the peanut butter in hand.  He was being trailed by Ginger licking her chops and never taking her eyes off of the peanut butter.  "What if we smeared peanut butter all over Selah's head... and let Ginger lick it off?  Genius, right?"

There truly were no words that came to my head... just pictures.  I imagined Andrew coating Selah's head in peanut butter and let Ginger at her.  Funny and scary all at the same time.  The really scary part was that if I would have said that it was a great idea... he would've done it.  :)

I'm not sure yet how we will introduce the two... but I am sure it will be blog-worthy!

Monday, September 13, 2010

Are we there yet?

I am still pregnant... In case you were wondering.

Still itching, 100% effaced, baby is at zero station... and not dilating (I'm at a dimple as my doctor would say).  My contractions have been at 5 minutes apart for 7 days but I am not considered in actual labor because my contractions are not changing my cervix. 

My doctor has me now coming in every week and essentially is just waiting for my contractions to get three minutes apart and waiting to see if my cervix is dilating at all.

I have been to the doctor twice because of false-labor and I have told myself that I am not going back to the doctor until those contractions are three minutes apart and I feel like I am going to die.

My doctor is still keeping my due date October 18th but last week Selah Grace was measuring 36 weeks.  A week and half ahead of her due date.  The nurse measured me and said, "wow... big baby."  Since she is growing so much and has been wedged in my pelvic bone for about two weeks, you can only imagine the stretching pains I am having.  She may even come out cone-headed. :)

So Andrew and I are just waiting for me to go into labor.  It could be hours, days, or weeks.  I am hoping for the first option. :)

Friday, September 3, 2010

Ticking... Ticking... Time bomb.

SOOOO.. I had my 33 week appointment yesterday and it was quite interesting.

Before I begin, let me tell you a little bit about my doctor. She is the complete opposite of me. Which, in her profession is a really great thing! Side note, Andrew has informed me that I would make an awful doctor. He thinks I would have every single one of my patients convinced that they have a million different diseases in a matter of a 15 minute annual check-up....

So back to my doctor... she is non-drama, very realistic, and never assumes anything. She is the type that when you tell her your skin is falling off, her reaction is "interesting..." and not "WOW!!". Am I making sense here?

For the past couple of weeks I have been having women in my office and at church tell me things like, "wow.. she's dropped! "Holy cow, she could come any day now." "You have lost weight, that means the baby is coming soon!!" It goes on and on.

The beginning of the appointment was very normal. Weigh, tinkle, listen for the baby's heartbeat... As the nurse continues to search for Selah's heartbeat I become aware that she is aware of my continuous contractions. She asks me if I have been getting them a lot and I tell her, "yep. About 25 in a working day." I've told my laid back doctor about this before and all I've gotten is "interesting...".

She then tells me she wants the doctor to check my cervix to see if I'm dilated. It kind of surprised me because I was pretty sure that they don't check you until around 36 weeks. The doctor comes in and begins to check me. And there it was, "wow".

"Ummm, I can feel the pressure of your baby's head on your very thin cervix." WHAT?? My doctor then goes on to tell me that my baby has dropped completely, my cervix has completely thinned out and I am NOT going to make it to 40 weeks. She told me that I am measuring a week ahead which would make me 34 1/2 weeks and that if my baby decided to come at 36 weeks... She is not going to stop it. That is in a week and a half. OMG.

Now, who really knows when she is going to come... But that is just a tad bit sooner than I expected. I guess it is really time to get everything settled before my anxious baby decides to come. Whenever that may be...

Good news.... My itching will hopefully stop once she is born! Bring on 36 weeks :)