Some of you already know this, but for those of you that do not know... Andrew and I are having a baby. I am three months pregnant! SURPRISE!
I am so glad that I can share this exciting piece of news with everyone. These past three months, have been a filled with LOTS of different emotions. The day I found out I was pregnant was bitter sweet. I was excited but yet very scared all at the same time. The feeling resembled times when you can't tell if you are hungry or if you are going to throw up. I know, gross, but it is the best way I can describe how I felt.
Telling family and friends this time has been interesting as well. I got lots of, "I am happy just feeling a bit cautious about getting too excited." Those were my sentiments exactly. For the first couple of weeks, my mind was full of fear at every twinge of pain.. just waiting for something to go wrong. My dreams were crazy and full of conversations of me trying to convince people that I was actually pregnant. A dream that haunted me for about a month took place in the room where we found out our first baby had died... I was pleading with the ultrasound tech to keep searching for the heartbeat, but she never could find one. My dreams would never finish and I would be left to wake up, completely frustrated.
I cannot tell you how tired I became of this fear that lurked in the shadows around me. I didn't let anyone know how scared I was, I just bottled it up and tried to remain strong for Andrew and our family. So I went into a "if I don't think or pray about it and pretend that I am not pregnant, then maybe when something does go wrong it will be less painful" mode. This didn't prove to be very successful as well. Trying to take God's will for our lives into our own hands NEVER proves to be successful. It was hard to pray for my baby because when I pray for him/her it showed God how much I loved this little baby and how scared I was that something was going to happen. Of course, God already knew this, but it was still so hard to pray! Saying it out loud made it real. God kept whispering to me... "just surrender, relax, and trust me." GRRRRR!!! I am born to be dramatic, not to remind myself to take a chill-pill when I am feeling a little worried.
A couple weeks later, it finally came time for my first doctor's appointment. My heart was full of pain from my first pregnancy that I had to give to God before I went in to have my ultrasound. I literally had to pray, "God help me get through this". I didn't think that I could bare that kind of devastation again or see my sweet husband feel so wounded as well. When the nurse called my name, I felt like a statue. I almost asked Andrew to carry me into the room. Getting ready for the ultrasound I felt that familiar basketball sized lump slither up my throat until I felt like I couldn't breathe.
Surrender, relax, and trust me.
Last summer I took the Beth Moore bible study "Esther". There was one lesson that has stuck in my brain and has kept my perspective and that basketball sized throat lump where it needs to be. Beth talked about the aftermath of tragedy. What happens after your worst fear has happened? What happens after you grieve? Put your tragedy in the first blank and then end it with... Then God. If you lose your baby, Then GOD. If you lose your job, Then GOD. If you get cancer, Then GOD.
Going into that ultrasound all I could think was... Then GOD!!! Because no matter what, he would always be the end result for me. No matter how much this was going to hurt or be the most joyful thing I could ever experience... my life's sentence would end with Then GOD.
So, I am here to shout from the rooftops that our baby is alive, strong, and healthy. The ultrasound was amazing and furthermore comforting. This morning Andrew and I went in for our monthly visit and we heard our baby's fast little heart beat. 170 bpm. And what a mover and a shaker he/she is!! The nurse was having to chase our baby all of over the place to have us hear the heartbeat :) If the wive tales are correct, we are having a girl. But don't buy us any pink yet... Andrew is convinced that it is a boy.
The peace that God has given me is unexplainable and truly remarkable. We are taking one day at a time and remembering that whatever happens to our little family we should always say "then GOD".
Thank you all for your love and prayers. We appreciate it more then you will ever know.