I can't sleep...
Whether it be due to the amount of sugar I stole from Selah's Trunk or Treat bag, or the fact that baby no 2 woke up ready to party at 3am. I'm guessing one led to the other :)
As I lay here, I feel like I have been pregnant for as long as I can remember. The past two years have been fast, wonderful, and jam packed with tough life lessons. I know I should be forcing myself to sleep because in about 3 hours I will have to be awake and alert, ready for another day with my one year old.
Life with Selah is so enjoyable. That kid makes me smile and sigh all at the same time. She's a mess. Half parrot, I'm convinced. "No", is a new word she has learned recently. Selah come here, please... No. Please eat your green beans... No. Do you love Mommy more than Daddy... NO!
That child is a typical first born female. Independent and thinks she owns the world. I can look at her and see massive amounts of potential for such an amazing life. I daily think about my petite shadow and how she mirrors me. Lord, help me to show her the right way to harness all that independence for you.
My favorite thing she has learned this past month is how to "play" with Ginger. Teasing her relentlessly with toys and chasing her around and around the dining room table. I caught them playing a hard core game of tug-of-war with one of Selah's baby dolls yesterday morning. I swear that doll was screaming for help from across the room. "Baby" was almost decapitated. Poor thing. Her smile now rests a little crooked since Selah has learned to walk.
I guess my mind has had a hard time shutting off in the stillness of the night due to our recent decision to buy a house and move. We are excited to wrap up the long process of buying a house and actually start living in it :). We haven't really told many people that we've been looking. Just praying and seeing what God has for us.
Over time & now being pregnant with (technically) baby number 4 my heart has become a bit guarded against getting too excited about things or giving away too many details to everyone. I'm learning that the rather unfortunate side of life as a woman can include the nasty and all too familiar bitter heart. There are lots of ways your heart can become bitter. And when you feel tired and weak, bitterness will try and take over. Bitter words, bitter actions, and bitter thoughts. There is nothing more unattractive than a bitter woman.
I can spot one from a mile away! And I can, because many times I have been one. You can hear the tone in her voice and the look in her eyes as she spots another woman who possesses loveliness that pokes a knife into her already cracked and bleeding heart. Oh, I have been that woman. And I refuse to let her take me over.
So as I am forever aware that my petite shadow sees my actions and hears my words, I WILL NOT live a bitter life. It will not be perfect and I will have to really depend on God to not let life and the nasty evil twin of mine named "bitter" live my life for me.
As the sunlight approaches the horizon and my alarm clock gets antsy with anticipation, I will make a promise in the quietness of my home. With the hum of gentle snoring coming from Andrew beside me and Selah on the baby monitor, I will promise God that my day will begin with a whole heart. One that has not been beaten to death with bitterness.
I will begin my day in that way so that I can be an example to my husband, children, family, and friends. God gave his only son for me, so that I could live eternally with him in joy, not so I could live in bitterness.
This week, I have another doctors appointment that I seem to be nervous about. Trying to fight off my fleshy worries and live boldly, no matter what the outcome. Every doctors appointment I have, each child of mine floods my thought process. Bitterness tries to stake it's claim on past hurt and the potential for future hurt and loss.
There goes my alarm clock.., time to play lots of tug-of-war, pack lots of boxes, have a Christmas dance party in my living room, and teach Selah Grace the word, "Yes".
Wish me luck :)