Monday, August 9, 2010

Child Birthing 101

About three weeks ago, Andrew and I went to our first child birthing class.  We decided to take a class at the hospital where Selah Grace will be born even though it is all the way across town and we live about 5 ft away from another hospital.  We thought it would be good to see it, know where we are going, and hopefully make it a fun date night each week.

The class is a two hour class once a week that meets for six weeks.  The people in our class are much older than Andrew and I.  Well, maybe not much older than Andrew.  But they are certainly older than me.  Andrew always hates the awkward kindergarten moments where you have to introduce yourself to the entire class and share a hobby or an embarrassing story.  He would rather disappear.  I usually do all the talking so he doesn't have to. :)

On our first night of class, after all the kindergarten introductions, we learned about what to pack to bring to the hospital.  Oh joy.  Our instructor then began to tell us that we needed two bags.  A "comfort bag" and a "necessity bag".  She described all of these things that you can fill your bag with to help you through labor.  She was dead serious when talking about the massage lotions and battery operated back-scratchers to fill my bag with.  It was becoming increasing apparent by the chuckles coming from Andrew that he was not into it.

So we get in the car to leave and we begin to crack up laughing because we have been through contractions before and trust me... there were no massage oils present.

When I had my miscarriage back in October, I was not prepared for what my body was about to go through.  Now, I understand that there is not a class on "Miscarriages 101" that I could have taken, but I could have been warned that I was going to experience things other than, "you will start bleeding and then loose the baby".  All the stuff in between those two things were left out completely. 

My body (on a smaller and quicker scale) went through the stages of labor when I had my miscarriage.  I'll never forget thinking, "no one told me that it hurts!"  The contractions were unbearable.  I didn't want Andrew touching me, breathing... or really existing even.  I would have given anything to have had my lower body ripped off at that moment.  It was scary and very painful.  Andrew had no clue what to do.  He didn't know what was happening.  At one point I looked up in between contractions and could see him frantically cleaning the dishes and tightening all the loose screws in the apartment. He didn't know how to help me and figured he better stay away or he might not make it out of our apartment alive. 

So I am looking at this nurse that is telling me that massage oil and battery operated back-scratchers are going to make my labor more peaceful.  This woman does not know my husband.  If my contractions were anything like what they were during my miscarriage, I am going to need a horse tranquilizer or a gun. 

So we were told to bring our comfort bag back in two weeks.  I was racking my brain trying to think of things that would genuinely help me through the beginning stages of labor until that tranquilizer kicks in.  I ended up just throwing a few things in a bag and we were off to class.

Once we arrive we are split up into groups, men vs. women and then asked to play show and tell.   Now, this is the part where I had to really try and compose myself and not bust out laughing.  EVERY SINGLE WOMAN had a picture of her dog in her comfort bag and one woman had her entire make-up bag with her.  As the women passed around the pictures of their poodles and scotty dogs I couldn't help but think, "oh my goodness".  I cannot imagine that I would ever say, during labor, "Andrew please whip out that picture of Ginger.. I need to be comforted."  Nope.  That is not the first thing that comes to my mind. 

When we got in the car, Andrew asked me if we needed to add a picture of Ginger to our comfort bag and I couldn't help but laugh.  I guess I am going to use a picture of her terrorizing my house as a focal point to release the pain from my body.  HA!

I am just the type of person that wants the instructor to look at me and say, "it is going to hurt... bad... but here are some very practical ways to help the pain... wanna epidural?"

Did you take a picture of your poodle with you to the hospital?  To all you mom's out there... does that make you laugh like it made me laugh? :)  All in all, birthing class on Thursday nights is entertaining and makes for a great date night.

Here is a little treat from me to you. Enjoy!


619 Barnett Blvd. said...

Ummm, big fat No! Tex was NOT the item I was thinking of while having RG!!!!! I am still laughing!! I just wanted my pillow ( smelled like my house) to hold onto, and epidural with my name on it.

Nathan and Aimee said...

That is hilarious! There was no picture of any animal at the birth of any of my children. I did manage to go without pain relief for my 3rd and 4th labor and deliveries, though. How ever did I manage without the dog pictures?! Wishing you well with your labor, though I'm pretty sure it won't be as painful as those birthing classes :)