Today has been hard.
I take that back... the past two weeks have been hard. I am at a loss for words with how to explain my feelings right now. I am about to have some pretty big things happen in my life. I am getting married , graduating school, and basically just starting life. My feelings aren't feelings of worry... surprisingly! I just tend to be sad. My problem seems to be that whenever something is bothering me or I become emotional... I tend to want to blame it on the birth control for makin my hormones all whacked out!
"What is the real problem here? Why is my heart breaking everyday? Why do the tears keep coming? Why do I feel the need to wear a smile on my face when everything is not OK? Why is it so easy for me to shut down emotionally?"
I have come to the conclusion that I really just don't like to live by myself. I have never had so much alone time in my entire life than like I do right now. Satan finds me very vulnerable in this place. But, I do believe that God himself has placed me here -alone- for numerous reasons. God has planted me here to deal with issues and get them resolved before I make some major steps in my life. Satan seems to be his shadow around here. Ready to mess up anything he is about to do in my life.
There are nights that I just wake up feeling the need to just pray. And not pray for anybody else (which is usually the case) but to pray for me... me and God. The spiritual warfare is as thick and uncomfortable as the air is humid in Corpus Christi, TX. The next part that I am going to share with you is exciting... the only real form of joy that I have felt in a while. And a big part of why I feel that Satan has been so persistent about making me feel so miserable.
August, 29Th... 11:20 am... roughly... It hit me! I was sitting in Entertainment Career Development class when I found myself staring off into the distance- my mind was racing. I was eating a Chick-fil-a sandwich and I am sure that when I went into this trance-like state, I looked real attractive with a big ole' piece of Chicken (I take too big of bites) poking out of my cheek. It was quick and clear as a bell what the Lord was showing me. I had a glimpse of a ministry that God wanted me to begin. 11:31... roughly... my friend Mike nudged me to make sure I hadn't died of suffocation from that last bite of chicken that I took. The minute I came back to reality, I began to write everything down that I had seen. I will eventually tell you (the 5 people who read my blog) what the Lord showed me later. Right now I am just trying to pray and ask him to guide me in certain ways and open certain doors. I feel a great deal of responsibility with what he has shown me... I am nervous!
"God what if I am not good at what you are asking me to do? What if I am rejected? Where do I even begin?"
The beautiful thing -that I really have to keep reminding myself- is that God would not entrust us with something if he didn't think that we were trustworthy. He will equip me! I have faith in that. This battle of mine is a daily, hourly, and seems to even be a minutely battle. I know that this time in my life is just a season but I am so ready for the FALL!!! I am ready to not be sad anymore... I am ready for my heart to be healed.
"Lord please heal the deepest places in my heart... where you are the only one who knows how to fix it." I want to be free from this hurt so that I can move on and continue with what you have shown me."